Never let the truth get in the way of a good story... 

Now dear friends which one of the following two statements is false

1. Vernon Clews-Jones spent most of his waking hours underwater, dining every available wreck and enjoying the stuning plethora of fauna and flora only the Red sea can offer?
2. The Russians are a warm, embracing, courteous and friendly group of people with impeccable manners, who abhor alcohol and offer you the hand of friendship at every opportunity

Unbelievable as it seems but statement 1 is false!

Dawn broke on the first morning (into a gallop, straight for the duty free and then the cafe , for a slap up english) all 13 assembled at BHX ready for a relaxing holiday. Kerry was already over her her luggage allowance and every other extra allowance she could legally claim and stiffed for a £45 excess baggage charge: not a good start! Told her not to bring those extra knickers.

The flight was unevenful, even quiet; discussions ensued into the intricacies of joining the mile high club, not even in your wildest dream was the response; yes, life is full of missed opportunities, so live with it,

VIP escort through Sharm airport, transfers to hotel, reps meeting, part with huge amounts of money for trips to Luxor and Cairo, usual stuff. Negotiate with dive centre for 'special rates' now that's an art form. If youe ever happen to stay at Continental Garden Reef Hotel ( right on Near, Middle and Far Garden Reef) then congratulations, the hotel is superb. However, steer well clear of the on site, dive centre, GO ELSEWHERE-ANYWFERE! it's owened by David Grant (The Officer), equipped by Heath Robinson, operated dy the three stooges (with a little help fron Laurel and hardy) and their single aim is embarrass you at every opportunity by accusing you of having not paid..... Maurice! Their many undeclared extras such as 3€ per dive for a 15ltr tank, 8€ for Nitrox etc made pricing agreements difficult; coupled with Digger only offering £5 for the lot: negotiations were protracted. ACAS threw the towel in: the union rep shot himself but the Egyptians were laughing all the way to the bank: nothing new there then? 

As all of you know, the wonders to behold in the Red Sea are simply stunning. Whether you've experienced red Sea diving first hand or viewed footage on the discovery channel, every dive is unique/special; every wreck holds something diffrent from your last penetration. Night dives attract an array of pelagic night feeders uncommon to theday reef. the colours and diversity of marine life, the sharedexperience of the minded individuals makes it well worth the effort... enless you're in lust, sorry love! Then you could'nt give a rats backside what's down there, cos you've better things to do. Funny how people and their priorities change, isn't it?

At this point i must defend our group against allegations of sleaze, corruption and generally bringing our wonderful nation into disrepute. Any occurrences likely to cause international incident were purely accidental and unintended, for we apologise without reserve. But OAP or not, Russian woman's hat really was asking for it and Irene delivered, go Irene! we vehemently deny that Moz & Debs were 'up to no good' on their balcony, when they got locked out! The hotel management was asking for trouble by positioning that volleyball court right next to our sun loungers? If people insist on wearing thongs to perform aerobics  on the beach, they've only got themselves to blame! You shouldn't have put so much alcohol in our drinks, or is that drinks in our alcohol?  Honestly, officer that 'shisha'4 pipe did only  contain strawberry flavoured tobacco? There really was a Frenchman selling onions outside Andre's bedroom door. Oh yes and Steve never went anywhere wwith that 'Hooker', he was with us all night! And i did see that Whale shark!

As careful divers and persons of general good standing within our communities, we take pride in our personal care and the ability to look after ourselves abroad. Despite ongonig Risk Assessments from Andre, only a couple of minor unavoidable injuries were sustained. A shark bite (Steve). A severe case of attack (Carole's Mosquito bites) A case of 2nd degree burns (Vernon's back is a perfect colour match to the Liverpool home strip0 mild influenza Debs) various gyppy tums and loose innards; and someone had to have his ring seen to! Certain of our intrepid band confronted their own sexuality again and enjoyed full body massages. to spare their blushes, they shall remain nameless, as they're still slightly unnerved and only just coming to terms with the whole experience.

Not before too long the sights and sounds of Naama Bay beckoned, enticing us to part with are hard earned cash. 'Lets have a meal in town for a change - og native'. So that's  a table for 13 at the 'Hard Rock Cafe'?  Well, there's onlt so much Cous cous, Chicken with Herpes Sauce, Lentil stew and meat of dubious origin, once in a while you need an 'English'

Our group separated to do the land-based tourist bit, 9 returns to Luxor and Cairo please. Each trip unique and exciting , offering an insight into Egyptian history ubparelleled throughout the world. The similarity of thought processes between the groups mirrored the thinking 'what went wrong' All this history, splendour,  technical ability, magnificence, learning, potential; why the void lack of advancement from such amazing foundations and beginnings. But that's the attraction of Ejypt,I'm starting to sound like the ministry of tourism! Just never forget, love em or loathe em (and i love them), in the tourist areas, their sole purpose in life is to extract as much money from your wallet, in as short a time as possible, giving you as little in return as can be 'got away with'. With this in mind you'll love Ejypt and its people.

So much to enjoy, so little paper to write on. No doubt over the next weeks and months, further stories will emerge from this trip to expand on these ramblings. Suffice to say all enjoyed their stay in Ejypt and will return soon.

Carole Price

Aged 47¾ 

P.S. Statment 2 is also false!